Session Three
There was one design this afternoon that I didn’t care for. It didn’t cause any pain, no panic…I just felt a little jittery. I found out afterwards, that design was working on my PTSD.
This session ended with an Alpha design, where I was instructed to “think Love”. I really liked that one!
I noticed that SOME foods (which I had brought with!) that I previously thought tasted good (or at least acceptable) to me, no longer were. And, some foods that I thought had no taste, now burst with flavor in my mouth.
One example was a red apple. I quit eating apples because they no longer had any taste to me. The hotel lobby had apples and oranges made available to the guests. When I saw the apple that afternoon, my mouth immediately began watering. I wanted an apple!
I brought it back to my room, and with a bit of embarrassment, I devoured it! I felt like I was at a medieval dinner where I was eating with such relish that I was oblivious to the juices running down my chin and the slurping sounds from trying to catch the juice. For any that know me, food was only a necessary evil to survive, and I would pick at my food – not devour it! I really enjoyed that apple.
My eyesight seemed to be continuing in brightening and becoming more focused. The fog was definitely lifting!
Later this afternoon, as I sat reading, I suddenly sobbed three big sobs and my eyes teared up. Then it was gone. I felt completely fine – as though those three sobs never happened. It came and went so fast, I never knew it was coming, and don’t know where it came from. But that was okay, I felt fine. I continued with my book.
When I passed the mirror in the hotel room, I had another spontaneous memory from the past – it happened quickly and was poignant. As a teen, when I had abused pills, I one day looked in the mirror and REALLY saw myself. I asked then, “What am I doing?” and quit drugs that day. When that memory passed, I realized I saw myself in the mirror this day with the same intensity of how I had in the mirror so many years ago.
It was then that I realized that, though I looked in the mirror daily, there had been so much brain fog that I couldn’t really SEE me. How cool! I could see me again!
Thursday
Session Four
I noticed that I am now drawn to, and be absorbed in, mundane sounds.
They were working on the property across the street from the hotel. They were using the big (stinky) tractors – dirt movers, plow, etc. The tractor fumes alone used to send me into coughing and gagging fits; the sound would overwhelm me and my head would begin to hurt.
This day, I stood, transfixed, marveling at both the sounds and smells; neither bothered me!
Today’s PTSD design affected me differently. Leesa asked me to just “allow it” and relax. What followed was a really cool visualization.
I soon began seeing (in my mind’s eye) different sized bubbles rising from various areas of my brain.
Each bubble contained a scene from my life. I could look into a bubble and see the scene playing out, but I didn’t feel any of the emotions that were previously entwined in the particular scene.
As I ‘watched’, I also saw scenes from known-to-me past lives. I recognized them, and let them go.
I didn’t look into every bubble (there were way too many of them!), and I felt it wasn’t necessary to know what each bubble contain. I sensed the important thing was that they were going.
As the visualization continued, the bubbles raised a certain height, and popped. They were gone!
This session seemed to fly by. Before I knew it, Leesa announced we were done with Session Four.
Later, in between sessions, I had a sudden ‘knowing’. I didn’t need to remember my past (regain long term memories). It is today that counts – the need to have all that returned to me was gone. It really was okay.
Continued next week.
Jan JD Toomer
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